Other Peoples Reality...

In my practice recently, I have had the opportunity to discuss with clients on a few occasions the difference between their reality versus someone else's.  This topic has been resonating with me, and has stuck with me for a while now.  

I think the perfect example of this is with parents and children.  Many times children, particularly teens, often see things very differently then their parents.  This can easily turn in to the misconception that one or the other of them is wrong, which can lead to arguments and fighting.  The fact of the matter is that for each of them, this is their reality.  

Let's take a situation where a child or teen is very busy, doing sports or involved in after-school activities.  The child may eventually become exhausted and overwhelmed and start refusing to go to meetings or practices, or acting out at home.   From the child's perspective, they are saying that they need a break, and they are becoming burnt out.  From the parents viewpoint, they are saying, that the child has made a commitment to a team or a club and that they need to live up to that commitment. On top of that there may be a financial obligation that the parent has made.  Is either one of them wrong?  No.  Both the parent and the child are right, they just have different realities.  The problem continues when the child, unable to see the parents reality, feels that the parent is pushing them too hard, and doesn't feel heard or understood.   The parent, unable to see the child's reality, may feel that the child is being uncooperative or lazy, and feels that they are not being respected or listened to by the child.   For both parties, this is how they are feeling.  I tell clients all the time, your feelings are your own.  No one can dispute them or take them from you.  

This is why in conflict resolution, it is so important discuss things in terms of feelings as opposed to accusations.  In an argument, when emotions are heightened, it is very easy to say, "But you're just being lazy!" or "Why won't you listen to me?" Instead, saying something to the effect of "I FEEL like you are having a difficult time with your schedule." or "I DON'T FEEL like you are understanding what I'm trying to say." might be more productive.  When you explain how you feel, it becomes very difficult to dispute.  This will often also lead to more meaningful discussions, and better understanding on both sides.  

My Story

The story of how our family was formed is very much a part of who I am both personally and professionally. I had known at a very young age that I was not going to be able to have children biologically.  (At least not without major help in the form of egg donor/ IVF treatments) After my husband and I were married for about 4 years, we decided to look into the whole process of fertility, and I went to a specialist.  At that point we discovered that there were many more complications than I first thought.  It was not impossible, just more risk to me involving surgery, still with no guarantees.

Adoption has always been a part of my life.  When I was 5 years old my parents adopted the son of a close friend of the family after his mother and grandmother passed away within two weeks of each other.  My brother was 14 years old at the time, and had strong memories of his biological family, but he was always my parent's son, and my brother.  He loves us, and we love him just as much as if he was biologically a part of us.  As it turns out, when my brother got married he and my Sister-in-Law also chose to form their family through adoption.  They have two wonderful children, a daughter (adopted domestically) and a son (adopted from China).  They are also in the process of adopting another little boy from China.

Because of my family history, adoption just seemed like the natural way for my family to be formed.  I had a wonderful brother and a beautiful 4 year old niece through adoption.  It didn't seem strange or unusual for me at all.  What I didn't think about initially was how my husband would feel about it.  At first he was unsure and definitely had reservations.  He was worried about the cost, and of course the whole uncertainty of the process.   We then, thanks to our home study provider, joined an adoption support group.   Through this group we were able to dispel many of the myths surrounding adoption, and were able to finally get on the same page.

Two months after that first support group meeting, we got a phone call from a girl who lived in Rockland County, NY.  She was 7 months pregnant, and looking to place her child.  Little did we know at the time that this "one" child was actually two.   Two of the sweetest, funniest, most amazing blessings in our life.  They, along with their birth mother, have changed my life forever.